I'm Done with Looking Back

Every published writer knows the thrill of holding their own book for the first time - it's almost a cliché to try to explain. I suppose it could be compared to an artist who has finished a painting or sculpture that has taken years to complete, but seeing your words in print with that beautiful image on the cover means someone else - someone with authority - values your creative ideas and wants to help it reach the masses. Well, usually.

By the time I received my box of books, I had convinced myself that I had somehow leaped a very tall wall on the first try. What took other writers multiple attempts, I had managed to do quickly. I wore those rose colored glasses for at least a year. I immediately began writing the sequel to the first book, intending all along to write a second book that followed the first. But there was a pesky line or two in my contract that said they had the rights to any sequels, and that I couldn't search for a different publisher unless they first declined to publish it. (*Of course an agent would have been helpful here.) So, I left my rosy glasses on and set to writing it, understanding that the same publisher would be dealing with the sequel. I think I took a year to write the second book, about a year of edits - my own, or a few beta readers who were friends offered suggestions. At this same time, I was living abroad, so while my knowledge may have been expanding, my literary networking possibilities were shrinking.

Soon after book two came out, I started learning about some other authors who were unhappy with the publisher. I found some information online that discouraged me, but more problematic was the fact that some of my books that I had sold were coming apart in my readers' hands. Literally - the binding was coming off! I contacted the publisher who explained that they had had to do a rush job because I had requested so many copies at once, which if I recall, it would have amounted to about 100 books. This was the limits of POD publishing, they claimed. But seriously -- this is not a lot of books. The covers had to be returned as proof and then the publisher replaced the book. It should have never happened to begin with. I've never held a new book in my hand only to have it fall apart as I'm reading. This was a truly humiliating experience.

There are other embarrassing situations, but I think my point is clear. Despite my best efforts to market, sell, and distribute my own books, sales were dismal. If I had knowingly self published, maybe I would have been better equipped. At least, I could have only blamed myself for the failure. However, this publisher claimed to be a "traditional" publisher. Print on Demand, perhaps, but traditional nevertheless. It seemed their only goal was to recover any cost they had in the initial publishing of the author's books, and they could get that money simply by targeting the author's family and friends. Anything beyond that was great, but they weren't going out of their way to help an author be truly successful. They simply took on more new writers, naïve and eager to see their writing in print. As long as they had new authors coming in, the rest of us could buy our own books or hit the road.

I grew discouraged and soon the publisher contacted me to tell me that I needed to buy more of my own books, and they would provide a discount. This went on for some time. At one point they threatened to take my second book out of print because it was "stagnant" on their shelves; therefore, I must buy more copies at their discounted rate. I reminded them that they were POD, so they couldn't have that many copies on any shelf or in any warehouse. Angry, I told them to take both of my books out of print, please. After several months, and an exchange of testy emails, they finally agreed. My goal at the time was to end the nightmare so I could move on. I felt tainted, stained, irretrievably jinxed. I wanted nothing to do with them nor did I want their name in any way associated with mine. A complete and final separation.

This feeling lasted for quite a while. I should have looked for an online support group - I'm sure at least one existed! Let's face it - I had been mistreated. Instead, I read some comments on forums and realized that I wasn't alone and that some authors were suing the publisher. I was just satisfied to have completely severed my ties with them.

There are multiple lessons in my experience: don't rush things, research and double then triple check, network, join professional organizations that can help you, find a writer's group, always be cautiously optimistic, and most importantly - if it sounds too good to be true (you know this! Say it with me!) it probably is.

It's been twenty years and I'm still writing. They may have stunted my progress for a while, but in no way did they win. I have a distinct memory of a local book store owner scowling at me as I picked up my stack of books from his store. None had sold in the two weeks he had them. He was disgusted that my over-priced books had taken up space on his shelves.

I left the store with an ear full from him and red cheeks. "Your books will never sell," he had said.

He may have embarrassed me, but I was more determined than I had ever been before.

We'll see about that, now won't we? One day...

And I still believe that. One day...very soon.